To the Light We Lost

About a month ago, a childhood friend of mine unexpectedly took her own life, causing fierce waves of grief to drown many of my hometown friends and their families. When I first heard the news, I was entirely shocked. It took what felt like days for it to become real. When I called my mom to tell her, I cried, hiding my face as I stared at myself in a public restroom mirror. For the first time since her death, she appeared in my dreams. We talked and laughed amiably, like we did so often as kids and teenagers, her smile splitting her face from ear to ear and lighting up the room as it always did. And even if it was only in my own unconscious state, it was so nice to see her and feel her presence once more.

I won’t pretend to have been super close to her. I won’t pretend that I talked to her often or even knew her well in the last few years.

But I also won’t pretend that I didn’t know her at all. I knew her for 14 years. She was the first friend I ever made in my new class when I skipped second grade only to become the new kid in third grade, mere months after suffering the torture of being the new kid from Florida halfway through the first grade. She welcomed me with open arms, taught me how to play with the older kids, guided me to do the right things to fit in, and although I never really did, her effort was genuine and heartfelt. I looked up to her, admired her fiercely, and though our friendship became distant over time I never stopped seeing her as a role model for many things.

We played softball together. Went to the same schools for 10 years growing up. My mom knew her mom.

It’s strange. Even though neither of us were in each other’s lives save for seldom, fleeting moments of happenstance, there is an undoubtable hole where she used to be.

And my heart twinges with pain knowing it’ll never be full again.

But there is still something we can do to fight that emptiness: remember.

Remember her loud and contagious laugh.

Remember her big and bright smile.

Remember her fierce passion and wholesomely loving friendship.

Remember Helen Abbey. For who she was, and for who she would have been.

It is a sad day when loved people cut their own lives short. I know very personally how her family feels, and my heart grieves terribly for them and her closest friends.

Though the earth is darker, the heavens are brighter with Helen among the stars. Rest In Peace, my friend. You will be missed.