New Year
New Me?
I’m a few days late, but I want to wish all my (few) readers a happy New Year. Time might simply be a human construct, but maybe, every once in a while, the clock can be a helpful catalyst for change. That’s what those things called resolutions are for, right? Whatever you hope for or set out to do this year, I hope 2019 presents you with good fortune and the opportunity to laugh a little more, grow a little wiser, and do good things in and for the world.
I reflected on what I wrote last year when I posted about this time, and I am proud to say that I actually fulfilled the things I set out to do when that clock struck midnight. In 2018, I learned how to accept my situations and fight for myself and my future through hard work and self-discipline despite how challenging the circumstance. I accepted and embraced all the mountains and valleys life forced me to traverse, and I did so with a hunger and eagerness for more. And here I am, looking out over even more exciting yet perhaps treacherous terrain, wondering what the future, both near and far, hold for me.
Through all the highs and lows of the last year, I will be the first to admit that not everything went smoothly. There are things I wish went differently, people I miss dearly, and regrets that will probably always linger with sorrow in my heart. There are things I look back on and wonder how the hell I got through them, thankful that I did. I’m even more thankful for all the things I learned, and all the ways I grew both in mind and in spirit because of it all.
I’m not the same person I was a year ago, let alone three or five. This sends me into a little bit of crisis mode (but let’s be honest, what doesn’t?), because I can’t help wondering who I will be a year from now. Or three or five. The future is like a present under the Christmas Tree that we are never allowed to open. In time, it will open itself without us even realizing it. And yet it will remain under the tree, a self-opening and self-replenishing mystery wrapped nice and neat under twinkling lights, until we are no longer there to see it. The best thing to do is work toward something great, and hope that the stars help you a little along the way.
I’ve said it before, but I’ll reiterate: we don’t realize the changes we are going through until we’ve already changed. This bitter truth will always pain me in a strange way, because when I finally notice something different, it feels like it’s too late to appreciate what once was.
Such is the cycle. We go up and we come down, over and over in a tormenting tumble of excitement and heartache, thrill and despair, victory and defeat. With each mountain conquered, we become a little different than we were at the start of the climb. Whether the change is good, bad, or some blend of the two, we must not forget to stop and appreciate the view every once in a while as we go.
Tomorrow, I begin yet another round of freezing to near death in the bitter cold of January in Colorado, and what better way to kick off 2019? (I could think of a few.)
I know what is going to come, and I know what I have to do. Most of me is excited to embrace another challenging event, and to learn and grow from even more crazy experiences. And yet a tiny voice inside me is still screaming Why the f*ck are we doing this again?!
That tricky little thing called Time, with it’s gift of the Future. A compelling, terrifying, beautiful mystery. Wouldn’t it be easier if we just knew what was going to happen? Wouldn’t it be better if I knew whether or not I was going to lose a finger this time, or set my tree on fire again?
Well, perhaps.
But I suppose that would take some of the fun away.
Happy New Year, fellow humans. May your journey through Time be a happy one, and may the Future that’s wrapped under your tree be exactly what you asked for.
