Forks in the Road

It’s 2020; a new year, same me! Late to the party, as always. But let me finally talk about the beast that was 2019.

2019 was a lot of things, and easy was absolutely not one of them. I felt like the little marble in that old pinball computer game; constantly whacked around with hardly a moment to breathe. Cue the arcade sound effects with a picture of me, hardly knowing what’s going on and trying to act like everything is fine.

It was, however, a wholly didactic year. Although there were so many times I screamed for the torture to end from the bottom of the long, dark well I felt trapped in, I can say with certainty that I am grateful for everything I experienced.

In the last handful of weeks, I’ve been doing some serious reflecting. (Which, yes, I do all the time, but this time I’m serious about being serious.)

Back in December, with 2020 creeping above the horizon, I tried really hard to find closure in things I felt I hadn’t yet. I thought about everything I went through, how I would handle it differently next time (pending a next time), but mostly I thought about the future.

But I couldn’t really see it.

In truth, everything was very dark for a long time. The last handful of months in 2019 were grim, and I found things I used to enjoy to be really difficult to even do. I didn’t want to be around anyone, even my closest friends. I didn’t want to write, read, or learn anything. School was a struggle, and I freaking love school.

Life had lost its luster.

But I went through the motions. Did what I could. I can’t say I didn’t have any fun or enjoy any part of life; that wouldn’t be true. I got to spend a couple of months training with an ODA made up of really great guys, who truly looked out for me and made me feel like part of the team. I rock climbed, ice climbed, snowmobiled, skied, made lots of memories and had lots of laughs.

But there was always something missing. A certain part of myself I felt like I lost, and couldn’t get back. It wasn’t until recently I figured out what it was: my dreams.

In all the nonsense I endured, I lost a lot of hope. Hope for the world, hope for myself, hope for my future. And in losing that hope, I lost my goals in life — my dreams, aspirations, all the possibilities of what life could be were ripped from my mind, and I clawed at the darkness in a futile search for them.

So, where to go when you have no idea where you are? Where to turn, when you don’t know where you want to go?

F*ck if I have the right answer, but what I say is this: it doesn’t matter.

I recall a quote from Alice in Wonderland.

Alice comes across the cheshire cat, and asks which way to go.

“Well, where are you going?” he asks her.

“I don’t know,” she says.

“Then it doesn’t matter. Any way will get you there.”

When life shuts off the light and you can’t see where you’re going, the only thing to do is keep moving forward. (I know that sounds cheesy, but, like, is there a better answer?)

And with some very intentional self-reflection, and a mindset that deliberately works toward moving forward, the light eventually seems to shine itself.

After all these weeks of thinking, I’ve come to a point where I not only see the path I’m walking, but I see where I want to go. I see my dreams again — of being a writer, a philosopher, a film-maker — and I even see dreams I never knew I had.

I want to learn how to sail, and feel what it’s like to step ashore for the first time in months.

I want to learn how to garden, and get frustrated when I can’t get it right and rejoice when a seed I never thought would sprout finally blooms.

I want to scuba dive, and be thrilled while clenching my butt cheeks so tight I might never go to the bathroom again when a shark swims by my shoulder.

I want to write books, read all the works of all the great philosophers, learn from them and teach others their wisdom, draw closer to the world, see things near and far, feel the difference between this ocean and that one.

I want to be something good, in a world that needs more of it.

The possibilities are endless, and for the first time in a long time I feel thrilled at that prospect.

Everywhere we go in life leads to somewhere else. Often, we are faced with a choice. Sometimes many.

Forks in the road.

But in a much broader sense, the future is more like a big, rolling field of green speckled with every flower under the sun, and more you didn’t know existed. And each one is waiting for you to come give it a glance, a whiff, a chance!

I never planned to be where I am now. I never planned for these experiences, and even though the mystery of life can sometimes feel like a curse, it’s really the best part about it. Plans go awry, dreams change and sometimes fade away, and you can forget about any kind of life agenda.

A few years ago, I would’ve never pictured myself to be who I am today. But I think that Angela would be damn proud of this one. I am grateful for all the hardships, the heartache, the torture; I am grateful, because it has given me more than what I ever asked for. I am grateful, because it has made me who I am.

I am still learning, still growing, and, best of all, still dreaming.

Life is one hell of a ride. Learning to trust it is half the battle.

So… here’s to the endlessness of possibility.