For Syd
My best attempt at honoring everything you were. I’m grateful I had the chance to speak on your behalf. You are loved and missed by so many.
Tragic doesn’t even begin to describe the circumstances that bring us all together today. I’ve attended a fair share of soldier memorials in chapels on Fort Carson, and I still can’t really believe I’m standing here for this one. Grief is a terribly heavy thing, and it is cruel that the universe is so designed it is the price we pay for love. There is so much grief here today because Sydny Johnson was so deeply loved by so many; an encouraging mother, a supportive and protective partner, an irreplaceable daughter, an inspirational sister, an elevating mentor and one-of-a-kind friend to so many.
Sydny’s impact in this life is immeasurable. She was so big; and not just physically, anyone who knows Syd also knows Syd’s muscles, but her personality, her laugh, her smile, her spirit. The way she engaged with people and poured herself into every conversation, the way she tackled life head on and gave her all to absolutely everything she did, even if she hated it. Sydny was the kind of person you went to when you needed something done or a problem solved. Even if she had no idea where to start, she would just start. And pretty soon she was an expert in something just moments ago she might’ve known nothing about. And whatever it was that needed doing or solving, it was done and solved. You could count on that.
But she was also the type of person you could go to when you just needed someone to listen. Someone to be there. Someone to remind you that things were going to be okay, to help you figure out what you needed in order to see that, and to be there with you through to the other side. She was that for me, the older sister I never had but always needed, as she was for so many others. Her wicked sense of humor could make anyone laugh, and it carried many, many people to the safe side of mentally and emotionally turbulent waters. I know she’s cringing at all the attention on her right now, but I also know she’s making a lot of what would obviously be inappropriate jokes. I hope we can all find room in our grief to share a laugh for Syd, because sharing a laugh with Sydny always made things feel better.
To know Syd was to know an exceptionally smart, determined, and capable person who had absolutely no idea how special she was. Her love ran deep, her loyalty was fierce, and her support was endless. There was one look she had I will never forget. Her beautiful eyes staring into mine with gentle kindness, and a small, corner smile that said “I see you, I’m here for you, and I always will be.” There was nothing but love in those eyes. Her entire soul shone through the light of her smile, which was almost as big as the weights she could put up in the gym.
The last time I spoke on behalf of Sydny was on July 8th. She had asked me if I would do the honor of marrying her and her wife, Lorie. It was a much happier day than this one. I read part of Kahlil Gibran’s The Prophet, and his words on love. “When love beckons to you,” writes Gibran, “follow him, though his ways are hard and steep…when he speaks to you believe in him, though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden. For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you…Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, so shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth…And if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure, then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing floor, into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.” Gibran advises us that we should approach love without desire, for “love is sufficient unto love.” But, he says, if we must desire, let it be “to know the pain of too much tenderness, to be wounded by your own understanding of love, and to bleed willingly and joyfully.”
It can be a cruel thing to love, but I wouldn’t trade a single tear I’ve shed in the last several days if it meant trading a single moment with Sydny. As I said that day in July, the bonds of love are the only thing that hold up to the challenges life throws at us, and it is only here in this love that we find the strength to overcome and the courage to grow. They say love is the God emotion, because it can never be fully explained. There simply aren’t enough words in any human language to portray Sydny, her love, and the love that her family and friends all share to its fullest extent. But it will always be with us, just as Syd will be. She is one with God now, and so is one with Everything, and that includes all of us. Time will pass, and the weight of this grief will lessen, but she will always be in our hearts and minds, carrying us through our challenges and lifting us in our sadness with her infinite strength and love.
The other day at Sydny’s Celebration of Life, her badass 12-year-old daughter McKenna casually picked me up off the floor. I and a few others were obviously impressed with her strength, but she just shrugged. “Yeah,” she said, “I’m Sydny’s daughter.” Hell yeah you are, McKenna. And we’re going to make her so proud. You, Ryker, Lorie, all of us — we’ll make Sydny proud. We honor everything that she was in everything that we do for the rest of our lives.
And she’s with us every step of the way.
Rest easy, Syd. We love you forever.
